Oh look. I failed GP too. :'(

I'm breaking. As much I don't want to, I know I am. And it's getting so difficult, to keep up this whole never give up thing. I printed a photo of you today grandpa, I'm sorry for all that I've become, how terribly lousy in everything. I miss you.

"Giving up" isn't in my dictionary. Remember that Charis? Please press on.

Run the race and keep the faith.

Maybe tonight I'd let myself cry. But for now, I don't really want to. No point crying over spilt milk. Just gotta work harder, try harder. And never, never, never give up.

I cried like a baby in the airport on Saturday during dinner in front of my parents. I think it's been such a long time that they've seen me cry they got pretty shocked and nice after that. But they got it wrong, I'm not upset about all that they thought I was upset over, I'm upset because I feel like I'm in A levels alone and it's not fair because they're in it with my brothers for his PSLE and O's.

Do you see it mum and dad?

I try to talk to you about it, bring it up and hope that somehow you'll get what I'm feeling inside. But why don't you? Why do you think it's that I feel everything that I don't. I just want to know you're in it with me, it's not fair.

But I guess, life never is fair.

When you smile the whole world stops and stares for a while. :)

I wanted to tell you that I felt like you weren't interested in building the friendship back up. And then I decided not to. Because I guess, I figured, sometimes, it's better to not rush things. Maybe then, things would fall into place better. :)

I feel so much better today. Although Physics was one big joke ahaha. But, I guess I've really come to understand that every day, is, brand new.

I shall aim for fass :) then further one more year in aus after I'm done in fass. I really can't imagine studying overseas. Don't want to anyway, never really wanted to. I like the comfort of knowing I have my friends and family right by my side. I like the comfort of having someone to talk to or meet up with whenever I think we've not talked for a very long time. I like it that I can be here if they need. I don't like the concept of being so far away for so long cause I know some of my friendships wouldn't last if I leave cos it's not strong enough. So I wanna stay, I really do. Fass, wait for me. :)

Go Charis, a bit more. Press on, don't give up :)

I decide what mood I am in. :)
I cannot decide what life throws at me, but I can decide how I'll face it.

With a smile on my face and love from my heart.
Is there anything that is impossible? I'll do it with the strength from my Lord.

The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on for so long.

Need. to. trust. and. stop. crying. :(

So scared. Why am I so scared?

Help. It's just an exam charis just an exammmm. 

Feels like every time I talk to you, I'm talking to myself.

And that every time I try to talk, you just don't wanna talk.

Hey babe,

Was it really nothing to you at all? Am I banging myself into the wall again? Don't you treasure our friendship at all? Cos if it's one sided, tell me at least. So I won't have expectations. 

Omg, econs ahaha why the heck am I still on the comp -.-

DIE CHARIS!!!!

You're right, it wasn't meant to be this difficult. But you still mean a lot to me.

I guess what hurt the most was that you thought I didn't tell you anything, when the fact was, I told you the most. And it hurts the most, because it was then that I realized, so many things that seemed so big to me, was nothing to you.

You never realized, how much I trusted you and you took it for nothing.

I am overwhelmed. 

I am out of control.

I am scared.

God, help?

I just bathed, and sang "draw me nearer to You" and I started crying. 

Draw me nearer to You,

Nearer to You.

Fill my life with Your presence, 

The way You want to.

Till my soul is ablazed,

Each and every day.

Draw me nearer,

Nearer to You.

__

So tired, I feel so tired and so stressed. So inadequate and tried. I have never studied for 10 hours straight. Today, I did. I want very badly to do well. But I know I can't do this alone.

As I fall on my knees and pray, would You please hear my cry.

Sometimes I really wna ask you,

Was it just nothing at all to you?

But then..... I guess as long as I know it meant and still means something to me, that's all that matters :)

Sigh, tension in this house is so high too. Seeing mummy so vexed is kind of upsetting yet being unable to do anything about it. Sometimes I wish I could just say what I have in my mind, that everyone would be nicer to each other in this house. Snapping at the stupidest things. Never holding back anger, it's stupid, really. You know, sometimes, I wna come home because sometimes it seems like a refuge, but more and more recently, it's the total opposite. The fights, the rolling of eyes, the outright quarrels, it feels like time going backwards.

Hey mummy, I love you. Don't cry.

Hehehehe finally below 41 ^^

Today is better, it'll continue to be better. Life goes on. :)

Hurts,
It just really hurts.

Would you know all the things I've did for you?
No.

Idk what this feeling is.
A little smile cos I know you're happy.
A little ache, for reasons I don't know why.

You think I don't share your joy, but, I'm really happy that you're happy. You have no idea.

That aside,
I should start eating for the sake of my exams. I am going to eat breakfast tmr. If not, I am gna hate myself for being this stupid.