I'm thinking of changing blog :) Should I? Or should I just stop blogging although it's almost impossible hahaha, I like to talk to myself.

It was like about a year ago, do you remember?

No one is going to know what I'm talking about. I don't know either -.-

You make me happy when you don't even do anything at all hahahaha.

I bought new shoes (Y)

Huang cheng tomorrow's going to be great :) They put in a lot of effort, I know.

I don't know what to do when I see you on monday :/

I don't do diets well, HAHA.

I needa start studying, sheesh. I don't wanna screw A's.

I bought something for you :)

Hahahaha, what the heck. This is a stupid post.

One day, go to the beach and take a look at the sunrise. That's how I feel every time I look at you.

So sweetttttttttttt.

"This is for you, my best friend. The one person I can tell my soul to, who can relate to me like no other, who I can laugh with to no extent, who I can cry to when times are tough, who can help me with the problems of my life. Never have you turned your back on me or told me I wasn’t good enough or let me down. I don’t think you know what that means to me. You have gone through so much pain and you still have time for me and I love you for listening even when you’re dying inside. And I look up to you because you’re strong, and caring, and beautiful, even though you don’t think you are. And I hope you know that I’m always here to listen to you laugh and cry and help in all the ways that I can, and I will try to be at least half the friend you are to me. I hope you know I would not be the person I am today without you, my best friend. Thanks for being the friend who’s always believed in me, who’s always understood, who’s always accepted me, who’s always cared."

Sheesh :/ complicated ttm. I never thought you'd feel that way.

Me: What happened!
F: You not ignoring me meh?
Me: No... the line got cut off.
F: Oh you know what I said?
Me: What.
F: I thought you were going to "boo" me, so I just said "I know you're going to boo me", and then I just waited.

It put a smile on my face when I read that :)

I wanna stay home with my kids next time.

If I have a daughter, I wanna bake cookies and muffins with her. I wanna read her story books and stroke her hair as she sleeps. I wanna take her to playgrounds, bring her on walks, take her to disney land, she needs to believe in fairytales. I wanna make sure I'm always there when she cries, I always wanna know when she's upset and give her hugs when she needs them. I don't want her to think that I want her to be strong, I don't want her to think that I expect her to be okay all the time, I don't want her to think that she has to be a grown up in the house even when she's 21.

If I have a son, I wanna learn all the computer games he's going to play so I can play it with him. I wanna know his friends so his friends can come over and home will really be somewhere he can go to. I wanna watch tv with him so we can laugh over the same things. I wanna bring him to cool exhibitions, maybe the equilivent of star wars back in the 90's or something like that. I wanna make sure he knows I love him and that I'm always proud of him no matter what. I wanna always be there for him and kiss him goodnight everyday.

If I have kids, I want them to know my arms are always there for them. And that I'll do whatever they like to do even if I don't like it because they need someone to cultivate their interests and passions. I wanna take them to parks and swings and I want them to have a childhood that may not be perfect, but one that's happy. One where they can look back and remember and smile. I want to take lots of pictures of them so they can look back and remember, and so I can too. I want them, most importantly, to know that they're loved. That whatever they go through, that they can come back home and cry or scream or laugh if they need to, that they never need to keep it in. That in the home that I'll have next time, there'll be no such thing as needing to be strong. Because they'll be my kids, and my kids will always be kids in my eyes, they need not be strong and they need not grow up, because I'll love them all the same.

What do you want from me :'(

In all today, I figured something out. Don't think I'll say it here, but yeh.

It's going to be a new start. I'm letting go of everything and everyone. Starting it all over again, all from scratch, even if you meant the world to me before. That everyone means as much as anyone else right now, and everything everyone does is what I'll base my friendships on, not the past, not the future, but now.

I'm letting it all go.

It's not working. I went to bed at 1, but I still couldn't sleep. And when I can't sleep, my thought wander. And I didn't wanna end up crying myself to sleep, but I did.

:(

望远镜看不见你 你的心飞去哪里
无声飞行 享受黑夜的静谧
别说对不起 别让我伤了心才说
不是故意 我却无法怪你
别说对不起 别让我的爱情变成
廉价物品 我却只能爱你
闭上眼[睛]却看见你 想你的好代替无力
我相信你 却开始不信任自己
别说对不起 别让我灰了心
才说不是故意 我却无法怪你
别说对不起 别让我的爱情变得
小心翼翼 我却只能爱你
用行动来证明 你的决心
不要说说而已 我想要的不只是sorry
啊无声飞行 享受黑夜的静谧
别说对不起 别让我伤了心才说
不是故意 我却无法怪你
别说对不起 别让我的爱情变成
廉价物品 我却只能爱你

Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold on but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before
Oh and I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last change to feel again

I almost accomplished the goal of not crying today and I'm kinda proud of myself for that.

I didn't cry until after school when I walked into that classroom and I wanted to say hi but you turned away. Just somehow, felt like everyone was gone, somehow, that everyone just left. That I can make all the effort I want, but at the end of the day it boils down to nothing. That's how I felt then I guess, right at that moment. And I walked out, and I started crying, walked out of school, crying. But other than that, I didn't cry today. Only teared in the morning and during lectures, but that's it. No outburst crying. I'm proud of myself for that.

I realized I can't be sad around those girls. Their crap and all the nonsense they tell me, really brightens up my day. I can zone out and tear and all that, but they can still find their way to bring me back to normalcy, if there's sucha word. I like being around them, even if I'm sad, because I have reasons to smile when I'm with them, somehow. Even if it's doing nothing, I wouldn't mind it. I was sitting in class with limmin during break listening to her phone songs and stoning, even in that, it made me smile.

It's tough alright, I don't deny it. I'm not that strong, but I'll be okay. Trust me, believe in me, I will be.

Thanks hun for the hug <3

I wanted to be alone after school, and I did. Sat there and did math, and did and did and did until I wanted to go crazy cause I couldn't do anything properly. I like being alone sometimes, sometimes I just need to clear my head.

I smiled quite a bit today, I think it's good, right? That even if it isn't really true, or whole hearted, at least I did, right? And slowly, bit by bit, I'll get better. I know it.

And inside, who's to say, no one changes much at all.

"Here for you :)"

I know, and because you are, I know things are gna be okay.

A new morning
of a
new life
without you.

So?

There will be others,
much finer,
much miner-er.

And until then,
there is me.

And because i treated
you
well,
I like me better.

Also, the sun rises.

I can't believe it, all that's going through my head right now is, how am I going to survive school without crying tomorrow.

How.

Today was tough again. I was literally tearing up the whole day, which kinda sucked. I wish you'd faster get back to me, cause then at least I know what to do, which way to turn. And not just stuck here. Sigh.

And I try so hard for you, why is it that it's never enough. Why.
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.

Anyhow, I'll be okay. I hope tomorrow's better.

Oh, and I've been trying to salvage things between us. But you're not helping. And I guess... I'm only going to try for so long. Are you going to get it, or not? Cause if you're not, you're not someone I'm going to try so hard for to hold onto. So. I don't know. Just a while longer if not I'm going to let this friendship go.

I surrender all to You,
I surrender all to You.
I am nothing without You,
Jesus Christ, take my life, it's all for You.

I broke down again today. Like the day when you came for cell at Cy's house. Just kneeled there, and cried and cried and cried. I was asking God why. I wanted to know why all these was happening. I was asking God, if You loved me, You wouldn't do this to me, if You loved me, You wouldn't take anyone away from me. I felt like He didn't love me anymore, like He was so far away. I tried to still sing, I tried to still worship, I tried, but it just felt so... distant. I don't understand, I don't understand why I'm going through all these. I don't understand how He can let me go through all these if He loves me. And then Jayna shared about good friday. It made my heart cringe. He died, for me. He went through all that, for me. And as unworthy and undeserving as I am, He gave it all, for me. I still don't understand why I'm going through all these, and it doesn't make it any less painful than it is, I wish I didn't have to wipe away my tears and just continue there crying, but I don't doubt His love for me anymore. That, if He loves me that much, I know He won't forsake me, I know He won't put me through something for no reason at all.

I trust in You. I surrender.

Whatever happens, I know I've tried. And if God chooses to close the door, I'll obey. If He opens the door, I'll be thankful. I still hope that He opens it, of course. And I'm sure I'll be disappointed. But. This is when I know, that the dissappointment will pass, the hurt and betrayal will fade, and I know, that He's in control.

I never felt so loved in my whole life. I always asked God, do You love me. If You love me, show me. And today He did. Though it isn't a whole "happy" feeling I'm feeling inside right now. There's a sweet feeling. Not happiness, but loved. Where I know, I really know, that I'm loved. And it's not just head knowledge anymore, I felt it. I really felt it.

Jesus wept in despair, asking God to take away His cup from Him if possible, but if it was God's will, He would do it.

That impacted me a lot, spoke to me a lot. God, if You will, please open this door. But if it's your will to close it, I'll still love You, and I'll still obey you.

I surrender, all.

And now my sec1 hc boy's trying to make me smile. It's day like these where I find everything I do for them so precious, that, it pushes me, and encourages me, so much.

"There’s another way to survive this competition. A way no one ever seems to tell you about. One you have to learn for yourself. Number five: It’s not about the race at all. There are no winners or losers. Victories are counted by the number of lives saved. And once in a while, if you’re smart, the life you save could be your own."

"If you need someone just to be around

Help put back the pieces that you've finally found

That's what I'm here for"

Woke up from a really stupid dream. Does real life have to haunt me in dreams too? Sigh.

But it was nice to wake up to a fb message from D. :) I think he's really nice, he remembers things I said which I don't even remember saying. Somewhat, he's the only guy who bothered to keep in touch after so long knowing I'm not the kind to keep in touch especially when we aren't close. I've always appreciated him but never really told him. And all the more appreciate him now, knowing what he's been through and I never knew anything. And if he never told me, I'd probably have thought everything was fine. I never knew he broke up, I never knew his family seperated. He's strong. Stronger than I'll ever be. I wish he was still my cell leader, he's still the best cell leader I ever had.

I kinda like to olympic creed. 

"The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well."

Today'll be better. Because it's a choice I've gotta make. I'm going to make today a good day.

There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when's it gonna end

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be

Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
YeahI'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

____

Listened to this song and I cried.

I wish you were here, I wish you were here to see me through this tough time. I wish you never left, so then now, things wouldn't be all so awful. :(

Today was kinda horrible. I smiled as much as I could, I swear. Got back chem, wanted so much to just cry but I didn't because it'd just make everything awkward.

Took 67 back home, long long ride. And I listened to my Ipod and I just started crying. Goodness, I wonder how many times I actually have cried in public. But then lt started messaging me and it was ridiculously funny. So there I was, laughing and crying. I must have looked like a total wreck.

Walked home, really slow walk. I never noticed, but the trees along the main road are really pretty, a lot of flowers.

I know that all of you meant well, but it's not okay. It's not okay because I worked hard. It's not okay because this is the best I have. And if this is the best I have, how hard more do I have to push to get to where I want to.

I know it probably seems like nothing- Studies. But to me, it means a lot. Not everything, but a lot. Sometimes, I wish I were smarter, and other times, I'm thankful that I'm just the way I am, because I push myself so much harder to get to where others can so easily get to.

I don't know anymore, I'm just drained. But I know this, I won't give up. Because it isn't me. It's not me to give up.