Cfd last year. (:

C2 really holds a very special place in my heart. A very special place. Being around them makes me happy, like really happy. They've been around me since sec 3 and Joan's been with me since sec 1. And... I guess I really treasure them a lot. Today appreciation day led me to realize a lot of things. Firstly, that I haven't got to know the new people in C2 very well, nor do I know the guys in my cell very well either. The girls, we're all rather close, which is good. (: But the guy's I haven't got to know at all. At least today I got to work with Shaun and Wenhao and Daphne and Joann. (: I've got cute sec 1s. (: Wenhao and the others are super cute. Really(:

I think learning how to speak out how you appreciate others will help you see how hard it's been on them and you'll learn to appreciate and not ask why they haven't been there.

It's been hard on you, I'm proud of you.

It's been a year. You called during last year's cfd, I remember. I'm still hoping you're okay. A year.

“I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”

I feel better today (:

Yesterday was just pure crappy. I guess it's always a build up. It's nothing in particular that makes me sad, it's just a breaking point, it always is. Like everything thhat I push away and let it be and suddenly something small goes wrong, and then it all just explodes and there I am, a wreck.

So whatever, I'm going to lose whoever I lose, I can't help it. I've lost most that matter already anyway. I'll hold on to those I haven't.

B, I miss you. But I've got to let you go. There's no way I'm going to be stuck here while I watch you move on. No way, that hurts too much. And the hurt you've caused me, enough. I'm going to let you go, just like how you've let me go too.

"I can't. I can't end it with you. Meredith, I do love you. Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want. You come back when you want. Not everyone. Not your friends. But you leave me. So I'm asking you, if you don't see a future for us, if you're not in this, please, please just end it. Because I can't. I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."

Tell me how to put me out of my misery.

"If you want to talk to Charis you need to talk to her first one. She'll never talk to you first one, don't you know that?" 

"You always disappear when I talk to you one, I wait for you to talk for like half an hour then click on your name and then you go offline already."

Struck me really hard. You're a good friend. One I really treasure but never really do show it. I'm sorry, this woke me up. I can't keep doing this to the people I treasure, not anymore. 

You've changed too much. Who are you now?

Heal my heart and make it clean,

Open up my eyes to the things unseen,

Show me how to love, like You have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,

Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause,

As I walk from earth into eternity.

Hosanna.

This's still my prayer.

Nothing is impossible (:

It feels weird to be back. Like when I was there, I just wanted to come back so badly cause it was rather lonely. They were nice, yeh. But still, felt weird and those sorts. But now that I'm back, I just really don't wanna be back. It's weird, I know.

I've learnt so much, gained so much. I know what I have to do, I know what I want to do. Though spiritually this camp was rather disappointing, I've learned so much in other aspects that I never thought of. I regained friendships which I never thought I would. A camp where you reached out to me after so long and I really appreciated your letter so much, you have no idea, even when it was just about camp. You're still my tf (:

I don't know, now that I'm back, I wish I never had to leave that hotel, where I could cast aside all my worries. Next year, 2010, it's going to be different. I know it is.

I did a lot of thinking today. (: It wasn't much of a christmas considering I spent it alone mostly at home. But still, it was good. I was thinking about people today. Watching Grey's, it's like, people are lost so easily, they just disappear and die and go and leave and, well yeh. Makes me think of the people I have, the ones that matter to me. 

You. You're sometimes really unreasonable, mood swingy, and all that, but you're still one of my good friends. Sometimes you can be so annoying when you roll your eyes and turn around and walk the other just because you see me, I swear sometimes I feel like strangling you and telling you to stop being such an ass. But still, you're my good friend. Still you're the friend that called me when I was crying and cracked stupid jokes that weren't funny and put down only when I felt better. All the emails you sent me when I was down and stuff like that. The times we studied together, how we'd go talking about nothing much at all. How I only feel comfortable shopping with you somehow. Cause I know you like the clothes I pick out for you (: You're annoying sometimes, really hard to understand, sometimes really a pain in the ass, but you're still my awkward friend who always tries to cheer me up, the friend who can be mad at me but I know would still stand by me if I needed her to. So, life's short, I have few friends I consider close, and you're one. And I know in this kind of situation, I have 2 choices. To pull away or just stick by you no matter what, and I choose to stick by you. You and I are the same, we've got inferiority complex, we've got abandonment issues, so I'm not going to abandon you. Friends stick by each other, I'm going to stick by you, even if it means I get your shit haha.

And you! We're like Izzie and George. (: Always fighting over stupid things yet never showing it, silent fights, silent jealousy, all those crap. But at the end of the day, it's your opinion I want, it's you I want to go all whining on and on about my crappy day to. You probably don't know it but, it's you that I can be confident of myself around. Like Izzie and George, I can tell you the secrets I can never tell anyone else. I'll hold it back in but you'll find some way to get it out of me. Somehow, you have your ways. And I trust you, trust you with my secrets. Thing is, you can change all you want, I know at the end of the day, you'll still going to be my friend, a friend I can confide in and a friend I can still count on. Like Izzie and George! We stick by each other, no matter what. I hope you always know that. And you know something? I never tried so hard for anyone besides her, never put aside so much hurt and pain just for someone. So! Cheer up already. (: Things will be okay.

I've had enough of losing people. I like the people I have around me now. I want to keep it that way.

And you darling. You're the only person who can keep hurting me so much and having me still want to try to make this work. You gave up on us, fine. You told me it's cause it was too complicated, I'll make it simple even if it's not easy for me to do that, cause well, I'm complicated, and I know that. So, whatever, I'm putting away everything. Everything before, everything I felt, everything I feel, every expectation and every hurt. We're going to be okay. We're finally going to be okay. <3

"Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you’re a good person and a good friend. What is meant to be will end up good and what isn’t, won’t. Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you must just move on and realize what you gave them was more than what they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don’t lose something real. Always fight until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for."

I can still fight (:

MERRY CHRISTMAS (:

1 cross + 3 nails = 4given. 

Happy Birthday Jesus. <3

Christmas, the time for sharing and giving. Laughter and joy. (: It's Christmas, even if you're down and all, it's Christmas. (: Yeh... it's Christmas. Red and green, bells and jingles. 

Sharing and giving and loving and happy. 

I need to remember the reason for the season. I was the reason, I was the reason.

God is greater than our hearts and knows all things. 1 John 3:20b.

What do I do now?

Do you know how it feels like when everyone thinks you've got everything, when they get angry and jealous and upset with you because they think you've got everything they want and they don't, and yet, you feel like you've got nothing. But because they say you do, you can't be insensitive and say you don't. Even if you feel like you're the most alone person in the world, you've got to say you're sorry and say that you're grateful. Even if you don't feel protected, don't feel cared for, you've got to say you're sorry they feel alone and uncared for, cause supposedly you have what they don't, but you know, it's the worst. Like what Yishun says when people make fun of us together, that's when it hurts most, because it's not true and he's reminded and he has to act like everything's okay. I understood, I always understood what he meant. But now, it's just, a double slap in my face. What if, you know, just what if, I don't feel protected or loved or cared for. Then maybe you could call me ungrateful, or maybe you could think about how it feels like for people to think you've got so much, when you feel like you don't, and have them get upset with you over it.

And you said my present was insincere, I almost cried right there and then. Because you know, I put a lot of effort, money and thought into that present. It's christmas, and I'm still crying. Why.

And then there's you. You think you don't cross my mind. You just don't know, don't know what it's like to have to do things to get you off my mind. That if I have to post about you, it'll never end. I'm just tired, okay? Have you ever posted anything for me? Even when we were together, did you? No. And right now, I'm just scarred, and tired.

I'm honestly touched right now.

My daddy got my mummy a present. He wrapped it up and put it into a big cardboard box, those that looks like can be thrown away kind. He put a lot of shredded paper into the box and taped it up. He put in this card also, that says, economy is bad, so I got you a box of shredded paper this year for christmas. But if you dig deeper my mummy can find the present. It's sweet, really. (: 

And Nat was so hysterical when she opened her presents, her smile, made me smile.

Merry Christmas eve, (:

I never knew I made you feel that way, you know? I'm sorry babe. I wish I could help you gain some self confidence, and see just how many love you. Well, I'll try to help you see with time. At least now I understand why we're always so on and off, at least now I know what I can work on. Thanks for letting me know, you have no idea how thankful I am.

“Everybody just keeps on moving on in this crazy, messed up world. That’s all you can do anyways. You keep smiling, you keep moving, you just keep on living. Cause who knows, you might just be the only thing keeping somebody else from stopping. You might be someone’s everything and not even know it. If you stop moving, what’s to keep them from stopping too?”

Sometimes... Okay, most times, I feel that way too. And I really think the picture's so sweet. (: I hate my dreams, I really hate my dreams. Reminds me of people I don't want to be reminded of, shows me things I know I really want but choose not to think of, damn it, sometimes I wish dreams don't exist so I can happily live how I want to, without some people and memories in it. But then again, maybe that's why dreams exists, to remind us we cannot always live in denial, maybe.

I don't know what I felt last night, maybe sometimes it's just nice... you know, for once, to have you care for me, instead. The things I do for you cause I imagine myself in your shoes, I don't think you'll ever know. But, you know, sometimes it's nice to just have you think of me too. It's been so long, of you hurting me and me hurting you, so long of you not listening to a thing I say, so long. I'm not saying I did move on, but it hurts when you expect me to still stay here. It's like this expectation. You shouldn't have chased me away in the first place then, don't you think so? You can break a heart, and still expect it to be yours. Of course, the key word here is expect. It still is, I just... it just hurts when it's expected, like something you deserve, cause you don't, not after how you treated me.

Not feeling good today, dreams are seriously stupid.

I don’t have a fear of commitment; I have a fear of abandonment. We all screw things up. I screw things up, especially with the people I love. I get needy, I get moody, I get distant, I want to be too close. I get confused, I don’t understand all of it. But I keep pushing because I have hope in this thing - the universe. There’s no way I’m the only person out there who wants it this bad. If I want it, someone else out there must too.

I miss you, shit, I seriously still miss you. I can't move on, this time, I really can't. I hate you, I don't wanna think of you, don't wanna miss you. Hate hate hate hateeeee. I don't ever use this word, but seriously, I hate you. )': I hate that I'm still doing so much just to talk to you, I hate that I'm still stuck here when you just decided. And fuck, your life's fine, but mine's not. But you don't give a damn, do you? I hate you, I hope you have a good life. I'm still hoping you have a good life, what kinda fuck head am I?!

So maybe something good really does come out of everything, maybe that's a good thing. 

Watching grey's is making me kind of sad. Haha, it teaches you so much. In a good way of course. (: Love can be so... touching.  In so many ways. (: I'm not skeptical about love anymore, I think it exists. (: It's just not for me, but still, it exists.

Love. <3

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

Oh, love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

When hoary time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

1. I think my friends are beautiful and they make me feel ugly sometimes 
2. I wish I was an only child 
3. I want the world to be as it was when the Native Americans lived 
4. I wish I could tell people how I really feel, instead of running scared 
5. My best friend is fake, and sometimes I don’t know why I’m friends with her 
6. The boy I’m currently infatuated with has me more confused than any other individual I’ve ever met, 
7. I’ve only been kissed by two boys, and I’m sure both of them regretted it later 
8. I’ve thought about getting surgery to get rid of my gut 
9. I wish I was Alice from Alice In Wonderland so that I have somewhere to hide 
10. I’m lonely 

11. I have no friends 
12. I wish I didn’t post some stuff on the internet 
13. I always find ways to make myself the center of attention 
14. I hate most of my family for being so closed minded
15. I hate the town I grew up in for being such a bad influence 
16. I’m scared of being alone 
17. I hate my dad 
18. I wish I could stand up to my dad 
19. I wish I could be who I really am wherever I am 
20. I wish I could tell someone something 
21. I want to have a baby 
22. I want to know what (true)* love feels like 
23. I know I spend way too much time on my own, but I don’t feel I have enough social skills to do anything else 
24. I have cut my wrist and hidden it under a wrist brace 
25. I have had three consecutive dreams about one boy 
26. I hate my mom for leaving my dad 
27. College scares and confuses me 
28. I am afraid to get romantically close to people even though it’s one of the biggest dreams I have ever had 
29. I truly have NO idea what I really want to do with my life 
30. I never want to disappoint anybody 
31. I think all the little things that I don’t say anything about are building up again 
32. I want to get out of this town 
33. I’ve spent so much time pretending that I don’t know who I am anymore
34. My boyfriend thinks I’m suicidal. He’s right. 
35. My friends think they know me. They don’t. 
36. I stand on my head for nearly 20 minutes every day. It’s very relaxing. 
37. I’m a compulsive exerciser. 
38. I don’t approve of my best friend’s marriage and I’m her maid of honor. 
39. I miss boy bands 
40. I don’t think I’ll live past 30 
41. I wake up every morning and have anxiety that I have to overcome to get up 
42. I miss my ex, I love my ex, I hate my ex 
43. I’d rather talk to your sister than mine 
44. I love you 
45. I have always questioned whether or not I have been in love 
46. I hate where I let myself get to 
47. I don’t feel like I have done anything with my life 
48. I want to truly believe that I am loved. No ifs, ands, or buts 
49. I hate that he is so far away 
50. I’ve got abandonment issues 
51. I work all the time to keep my mind occupied, it doesn’t work 
52. I wish my ex-boyfriend would love me again 
53. I want to lose 20 pounds, but lack the motivation 
54. Reading all these secrets break my heart 
55. I sadden when I watch the news as well and see all there hatred that has filled the world, but I know the cause for which it is there 
56. I’ve always wanted to tell my secrets but have never had the chance 
57. I hate having people come to me for advice. I really have no idea what to say to you 
58. I’ve came a LONG way this year. It’s a real accomplishment  
59. I want to sleep with a guy just to take his virginity 
60. I am so glad you and I are not together anymore and I blame you for the fact that I can’t trust anyone 
61. I have lost all hope in humanity 
62. I feel I am being constantly judged. 
63. I worry too much about my weight. 
64. My ex’s mother told me she hopes he will realize what he lost, soon. 
65. Every song on the radio reminds me of you 
66. I don’t have a friend, anymore, than I can tell anything to 
67. I am an excellent stalker 

68. I act like I don’t care but I really do 
69. College is the scariest and most fun I have ever had 
70. I am bisexual. I am not accepted for this from my family. It bothers me. 
72. I’m confident that if I lost a lot of weight that I would have a better life. 
73. When I watch Law & Order SVU, I deeply fear that something similiar will happen to me or someone in my family 
74. I can’t pee without the water in the faucet running 
75. I would give my life for so many people, but I know half of them would not return the favor 
76. I eat something that’s bad for me and then I feel so guilty about eating it that I won’t eat for days 
77. Seeing people cry makes me automatically want to comfort them 
78. I memorize random license plate numbers in case they’re ever needed in an investigation 
79. I’m content with nothing more than one meal a day, love from those around me and the air in my lungs…everything else is just a plus. 
80. I want to choose who my organs go to when I die. I hope that they are helping deserving individuals. 
81. I travel partly because I want to be able to boast about the places I’ve been and the things I’ve seen and experienced. 
82. I dislike married men who don’t wear wedding rings. 
83. I don’t know what religion to believe in 
84. I fish for complements to make myself feel better 
86. I feel ashamed of bringing certain friends around other friends 
87. I always feel like I’m not pretty enough, even with everyone telling me otherwise 
88. I’m afraid she’s going to get him before I do. It’s selfish and I hate myself for thinking that. 
89. I made out with my best friend’s brother years ago. To this day, no one knows. 
90. I know it’s lame but I still love The Sims 2 
91. I didn’t want to wake up this morning, because my dreams were better than reality 
92. When I say I want to be left alone, I don’t always mean it, I just don’t know how to tell someone I need them 
93. I have been in quite a few relationships, none of the guys were faithful to me, it makes me feel like something is wrong with me 
94. He was my first love. I still don’t know if I was his. I hope I made a lasting impact on him as he did to me. 
95. I am jealous of girls that have naturally good hair 
96. I’m jealous of anyone who has a talent 
97. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs. I don’t want to. 
98. Going to parties make me more nervous than anything else. 
99. I read postsecret every sunday hoping for familar handwriting 
100. A day usually doesn’t go by without me thinking about him and wondering “What if he had chose me?” 

Two things in life that should never be broken: hearts and promises.

Hi. I'm going to be okay today! (:

I really wish you can like come back now. It's weird not talking to you for so long, somewhat. I read this quote and it reminded me of you, haha. How you always accepted the decisions I made even if you disagreed with it and believed it would be the best decision for me. It's the belief, and the... support. Hmmm, yeh. I can see the disapprove in so many people's eyes, but I've never seen it in yours. Oh except when you saw that I cut myself, but haha, who can approve that, right? 

I'm kinda sleepy right now. I need to get to work, omg. Okay, no more wasting time baby!

Oh and you know, I know you're trying. I see your efforts and I appreciate it. I just need time to adapt to... well, learning that you may have changed, or that you can. It's like this, knowledge that I can lose you anytime which is quite scary. I'll always be here, and you know that, I hope. Regardless of whoever you become because you've always been there. (:

What do I do now?

I'm not going to cry over you. I'm not going to cry over you. I'm not going to cry over you. I should stop trying, my efforts don't work and then you turn around and say it's cause of my efforts you've got to say you're fine.

I won't, can't, will never ever, hell no, cry over you. NO.

I don't know what I'm doing, really. Sigh. You're right though, goodbyes are hard. Always have been. I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing. HAHAAHAHA, I think I'm an idiot. A fucking seriously big idiot. Why the hell did I........ Okay, forget it. Breathe.

I wish you were here to tell me wtf I'm doing.

Says exactly what I was feeling the other day. Sat there, listened on repeat. Reminds me so much of you, so very much. And when I told him I liked the song, he immediately knew it was cause it reminded me of you. Sometimes I wish you could see, how much you mean to me, and how everyone else knows.

I'm worried for you, but I don't have much of a right to do anything about it. Nothing I can do anyway. But still, I hope you never fall into bad company.

I like blogger. I can spam posts without giving a shit about flooding people's friends page. (:

“I’m a happy person. I swear I am. I sing in the shower & dance down the hallways. I laugh and giggle. I do all the things happy people do. I just love life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. It doesn’t mean that I don’t wish things had ended differently and it doesn’t mean that I don’t get upset over the fact that he doesn’t miss me at all. No, it doesn’t mean that at all.” 

Cheryl's sitting opposite me! She's doing chem, what am I doing?! Haha. I'm thankful for her, really, I am. Though we're not like say, very close. I know she's someone I can always count on. (:

I miss you. 

Today's going to be a good day, I don't care. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Haha, that's kinda ironic isn't it. I'm going to stop being sad, it's enough. It's Christmas, for goodness sake! Yeh, enough. Needa remember who I was, who I always wanted to be. Haha. It's like a life motto, I think? 

I want to be remembered as the girl who smiles even when her heart is broken, and the one who could brighten up your day even when she couldn't brighten up her own. 

I think it's cool to be remembered that way. Maybe makes me seem like a pathetic sad girl, haha, but still. I want that, I'm going to work for that. Need to remind myself, that in this big big world, I'm a small person, literally even. But just one smile, it'll change a lot. Hahaha, maybe I'll go smile at random people again and make small babies cry cause I smile at them. Maybe. But at days, I know, it warms my heart when people give up their seats for the elderly, like makes me smile like some idiot, seriously, I think people think I'm crazy when they see me smile like that. But you see, it's these things that give me hope. This small bit of hope, that, well, maybe this world isn't that crazy and stupid yet. That maybe, not everyone's living for themselves, and somewhere out there, there are people who still love and give. 

Brighten up people's day. I'm not that good. But I know I can be there, and I know I can listen. Sometimes I get resentful that people just come to me when they're upset. But I've thought about it. What the heck, right? At least they come to me, at least I can do something about it, at least I can listen and well... listen, cause I'm not good with advices either. At least they don't have to sit in the corner of their room and cry their hearts out hugging a teddy bear, haha, I do sound a little pathetic now, don't I. But I guess, all that crying I went through made me stronger. I won't give up. I can give up right now, I think. Everything just sucks! But I won't. I've come so far, who's to tell me when it all ends, no one but myself. And this is not the end, it'll be a sucky ending. I'm going to look for a happy ending, one where I can sleep and smile, and wake up to another day and look forward to it. Watch me. 

I'm fine, I'm going to be okay.

You probably don't know, but you'll always be my evangeline. (:

Ps, Grandpa, I miss you, so very much. I can't wait till I see you again. Do you know, it's still you that gets me through those nights where I feel so alone. It's still you, that makes me cry sometimes when I look at your photo. It's still you, you're still my favorite grandpa. (haha, and no it's not cause I only have one) I love you, I don't wanna forget you, ever.

The image of how when my granddad died and how I held his hand when I got there and his flesh didn't spring back up and just... stayed in there in a depression. I remember how it made me cry so badly I had to look away. I never told anyone, I never want to, it made me cry so badly. I'm crying and I wish I could stop. I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't. )': 

 As I look back on all that’s happened — growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me — there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I’ll truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever…and what the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you’ll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for what the future may hold.

I'm so tired, my legs are killing me. ): 

Christmas service was good today, though I was so tired I wanted to just sleep. I couldn't help but keep tearing during alter call. It just made me so happy to see so many people walk down and like take that step of faith. I don't know why this year, I kept praying throughout service, I just really felt the need to. I don't know, maybe now, I realize how important it is to have You in my life, maybe forever and ever, You'll be the only ever constant one I can ever rely on. 

I find it hard to be around people now. Was watching Grey's last night, something the show said struck me a lot. Maybe I'm staying away from people cause I'm like this upset person, and if I'm around people it's like I'll affect them or something. Maybe. Maybe I'm just tired of pretending to smile. Okay, maybe I'm not even pretending to smile. Maybe I'm just sick of being around people that I can't be sad around. Whatever, I don't think when I read back I'm going to know what I'm writing about haha. 

I don't know why I felt nothing when I got your message. What did I expect myself to feel? I don't really know. But all I know is this, we're both too different now. And though you can say we can still talk, I don't really believe it anymore. I think you've hurt me so much, you don't even know, that... well, I just don't think we can anymore.

You said you were sorry for hurting me and you didn't mean to. I wanted to tell you that no one ever means to, and if someone ever means to... well, then that's really a jerk. But you still did. I really wanted to tell you that, but what's the point, right? You tell me you're still here, I wanted to tell you that it no longer mattered because I don't go to just anyone. I trusted you, you know? And now that you've changed..... Well, all I could say was "Idk". I'm pretty sure you get the message, I'm pretty sure you knew how I'd react, I'm sorry, I just couldn't bring myself to say anything with the slightest meaning that I'd still go to you.

On a happier note, I need to remember that someone borrowed Grey's for me just cause I stayed up late cause streaming online was so bad. Maybe people aren't that bad. Maybe there are things I can believe in. I need to remember the good things too. And besides, Ryl has stayed constant throughout all the years I've known her, it's a good thing.

Goodnight, there's so much to do tonight.

I haven't been online in 3 days, that's cool. Maybe I'm really withdrawing, haha. Bitter, much.

I think last night, I was sure I was happy. It was so cute when she just knew we were all cheating her, that she just knew that we were all surprising her. It was cute when she smiled so happily. (: I don't really know my grandma well, never really got to spend much time with her and all. But still, I think she's had a tough life, and sometimes she can be difficult, but who can blame her, right? I think it's good when we all come together for something, as a whole big family. We practically grow up together. But we're not really close. I have nice cousins, but... hahaha, I have a social problem. But it's good (: Really, it's nice like last night when we went for karaoke together. It's quite funny actually. From 6 years to about 60? The songs were damn weird, generation gap. But I don't know, it made me happy to see the older ones enjoy themselves too. Maybe these are life's simple pleasures that still make me smile.

Maybe I've become skeptical about a lot of things, but I know I'll never doubt the power of family.

If you're going to change, I think I'm going to start to pull away. I just can't deal with losing another person. Especially when you know how much I've been through and yet you still put me through this.. Or maybe you just don't have much of a choice either. But I just can't take it, I can't stand at the sidelines and see you change. I've had enough of that. Enough of having my heart broken from standing and just watching someone I love change. I've had enough. So, maybe this friendship was only meant to last this long. I don't want to try anymore, why can't someone else try for a change?

I don't feel like blogging for people to read anymore. I know no one else comes here so it's good. These thoughts that seem to overwhelm my brain are like too intense and I just need somewhere I can talk to myself for a bit.

Things have been fine, things are going to get better.

You've been so sweet, but I don't want things to change. I want things to stay as they are now, and I hope you understand. D was right, perhaps we're not afraid of commitment. We're just afraid of being left, afraid that we won't be who you thought we are and leave. Perhaps.... for me, I just don't think love actually exists anymore. Maybe that's why I can't feel it. I don't want a relationship, I just want a friendship I can count on.

I don't want people to change anymore. I don't want people to leave me behind anymore. I don't want to lose people I love to people they become. You're like my best friend, almost, I don't wanna lose you, you know?

No.... You don't know. I feel like crying. I'm not going to cry.

I've lost so many, what's another, right? But you're special. And you're changing the one thing that I really liked in you. I don't know. ): But I've got to be supportive and understanding. And I'm just, tired. I want someone to be constant, can't someone just be constant?

Was that happiness today? Was it, really? I don't know. All I know is that I haven't felt this way in a long time. So... It's a good thing, I suppose?

"Everything ends somewhere. The only thing certain is that things will always end in one way or another. That destination's very clear. But it also isn't what matters. It's the journey you share that makes it meaningful. Loving and losing is better than nothing at all."

I liked talking to you today, I don't know why it's comfortable. Okay, maybe a little awkward at first, but with time, it's more comfortable, more things to talk about. Felt like how I could always just talk about anything to her. Maybe not to that extent, but still. And something you said caught me off guard today. That my thoughts are always about why and who, and never about what. Well, I guess I do know what I want in life, I do know what I want to do and what I have to do. Thanks, for helping me understand more about myself today.

I finished reading happiness sold seperately today. It helped me a lot. Through the course of this whole period. It's helped me realize that you don't have to hold onto something just cause you love, but you can still love and let go. Let go so that both parties can be happier. It doesn't mean both parties don't love. But there's no point hanging on for the sake of love, if it makes both unhappy. I'll always be able to look back now and say you were the best friend I could ever have, and now nothing can destroy it. I know I never said this, I'm happy things turned out this way. It's taught me a lot, way more than I think I could have ever learnt anywhere else. I still love you, although you don't think so. And I really am praying and hoping you don't lose yourself and get into the wrong company, but it's time to let you go. To let you go and make your mistakes, to grow and learn from them. And hopefully, you still remain as beautiful as you were before. If you fall too deep, I hope somewhere inside you know I'll always be willing to pull you out, you just need to call for me.

Reading my letters to you, I realized how much I've changed. How I'll never ever say all those things again. I realized how much I've changed, how much more cold on the outside I've become. How I'll never let people see through me and see how I actually really feel. I've changed, but in this aspect, I don't think it's for the better.

Let's give it a shot and hope I don't fall.

This year's coming to an end, and I'm looking forward to it. This year's been better than last, and I hope next year will be better. (:

Recently, there's been a lot on my mind. But I'm thankful for my friends, they really are starting to grow on me, and really, I won't exchange them for anything else in the world. I have few friends, I know, but these friends, are the best. And if you'd ask me to change them for more friends, no I won't. They're all I can ever ask for.

I'm tired right now. I'm quite.... sad, for some reason of which I'm not totally sure of. I can't wait till uni. You were right, maybe it's best, if we don't see each other at all. Out of sight, out of mind. You meant it, I guess that helped me realize. Maybe, really, it's best. It's things you say, that help me realize so much.

Hmmm, I'm hungry. Again, haha.