Cfd last year. (:

C2 really holds a very special place in my heart. A very special place. Being around them makes me happy, like really happy. They've been around me since sec 3 and Joan's been with me since sec 1. And... I guess I really treasure them a lot. Today appreciation day led me to realize a lot of things. Firstly, that I haven't got to know the new people in C2 very well, nor do I know the guys in my cell very well either. The girls, we're all rather close, which is good. (: But the guy's I haven't got to know at all. At least today I got to work with Shaun and Wenhao and Daphne and Joann. (: I've got cute sec 1s. (: Wenhao and the others are super cute. Really(:

I think learning how to speak out how you appreciate others will help you see how hard it's been on them and you'll learn to appreciate and not ask why they haven't been there.

It's been hard on you, I'm proud of you.

It's been a year. You called during last year's cfd, I remember. I'm still hoping you're okay. A year.

“I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries.”

I feel better today (:

Yesterday was just pure crappy. I guess it's always a build up. It's nothing in particular that makes me sad, it's just a breaking point, it always is. Like everything thhat I push away and let it be and suddenly something small goes wrong, and then it all just explodes and there I am, a wreck.

So whatever, I'm going to lose whoever I lose, I can't help it. I've lost most that matter already anyway. I'll hold on to those I haven't.

B, I miss you. But I've got to let you go. There's no way I'm going to be stuck here while I watch you move on. No way, that hurts too much. And the hurt you've caused me, enough. I'm going to let you go, just like how you've let me go too.

"I can't. I can't end it with you. Meredith, I do love you. Don't you see? Don't you understand? You're the love of my life. I can't leave you. But you're constantly leaving me. You walk away when you want. You come back when you want. Not everyone. Not your friends. But you leave me. So I'm asking you, if you don't see a future for us, if you're not in this, please, please just end it. Because I can't. I'm in it. Put me out of my misery."

Tell me how to put me out of my misery.

"If you want to talk to Charis you need to talk to her first one. She'll never talk to you first one, don't you know that?" 

"You always disappear when I talk to you one, I wait for you to talk for like half an hour then click on your name and then you go offline already."

Struck me really hard. You're a good friend. One I really treasure but never really do show it. I'm sorry, this woke me up. I can't keep doing this to the people I treasure, not anymore. 

You've changed too much. Who are you now?

Heal my heart and make it clean,

Open up my eyes to the things unseen,

Show me how to love, like You have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,

Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause,

As I walk from earth into eternity.

Hosanna.

This's still my prayer.

Nothing is impossible (:

It feels weird to be back. Like when I was there, I just wanted to come back so badly cause it was rather lonely. They were nice, yeh. But still, felt weird and those sorts. But now that I'm back, I just really don't wanna be back. It's weird, I know.

I've learnt so much, gained so much. I know what I have to do, I know what I want to do. Though spiritually this camp was rather disappointing, I've learned so much in other aspects that I never thought of. I regained friendships which I never thought I would. A camp where you reached out to me after so long and I really appreciated your letter so much, you have no idea, even when it was just about camp. You're still my tf (:

I don't know, now that I'm back, I wish I never had to leave that hotel, where I could cast aside all my worries. Next year, 2010, it's going to be different. I know it is.

I did a lot of thinking today. (: It wasn't much of a christmas considering I spent it alone mostly at home. But still, it was good. I was thinking about people today. Watching Grey's, it's like, people are lost so easily, they just disappear and die and go and leave and, well yeh. Makes me think of the people I have, the ones that matter to me. 

You. You're sometimes really unreasonable, mood swingy, and all that, but you're still one of my good friends. Sometimes you can be so annoying when you roll your eyes and turn around and walk the other just because you see me, I swear sometimes I feel like strangling you and telling you to stop being such an ass. But still, you're my good friend. Still you're the friend that called me when I was crying and cracked stupid jokes that weren't funny and put down only when I felt better. All the emails you sent me when I was down and stuff like that. The times we studied together, how we'd go talking about nothing much at all. How I only feel comfortable shopping with you somehow. Cause I know you like the clothes I pick out for you (: You're annoying sometimes, really hard to understand, sometimes really a pain in the ass, but you're still my awkward friend who always tries to cheer me up, the friend who can be mad at me but I know would still stand by me if I needed her to. So, life's short, I have few friends I consider close, and you're one. And I know in this kind of situation, I have 2 choices. To pull away or just stick by you no matter what, and I choose to stick by you. You and I are the same, we've got inferiority complex, we've got abandonment issues, so I'm not going to abandon you. Friends stick by each other, I'm going to stick by you, even if it means I get your shit haha.

And you! We're like Izzie and George. (: Always fighting over stupid things yet never showing it, silent fights, silent jealousy, all those crap. But at the end of the day, it's your opinion I want, it's you I want to go all whining on and on about my crappy day to. You probably don't know it but, it's you that I can be confident of myself around. Like Izzie and George, I can tell you the secrets I can never tell anyone else. I'll hold it back in but you'll find some way to get it out of me. Somehow, you have your ways. And I trust you, trust you with my secrets. Thing is, you can change all you want, I know at the end of the day, you'll still going to be my friend, a friend I can confide in and a friend I can still count on. Like Izzie and George! We stick by each other, no matter what. I hope you always know that. And you know something? I never tried so hard for anyone besides her, never put aside so much hurt and pain just for someone. So! Cheer up already. (: Things will be okay.

I've had enough of losing people. I like the people I have around me now. I want to keep it that way.

And you darling. You're the only person who can keep hurting me so much and having me still want to try to make this work. You gave up on us, fine. You told me it's cause it was too complicated, I'll make it simple even if it's not easy for me to do that, cause well, I'm complicated, and I know that. So, whatever, I'm putting away everything. Everything before, everything I felt, everything I feel, every expectation and every hurt. We're going to be okay. We're finally going to be okay. <3

"Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you’re a good person and a good friend. What is meant to be will end up good and what isn’t, won’t. Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you must just move on and realize what you gave them was more than what they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don’t lose something real. Always fight until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for."

I can still fight (:

MERRY CHRISTMAS (:

1 cross + 3 nails = 4given. 

Happy Birthday Jesus. <3

Christmas, the time for sharing and giving. Laughter and joy. (: It's Christmas, even if you're down and all, it's Christmas. (: Yeh... it's Christmas. Red and green, bells and jingles. 

Sharing and giving and loving and happy. 

I need to remember the reason for the season. I was the reason, I was the reason.

God is greater than our hearts and knows all things. 1 John 3:20b.

What do I do now?

Do you know how it feels like when everyone thinks you've got everything, when they get angry and jealous and upset with you because they think you've got everything they want and they don't, and yet, you feel like you've got nothing. But because they say you do, you can't be insensitive and say you don't. Even if you feel like you're the most alone person in the world, you've got to say you're sorry and say that you're grateful. Even if you don't feel protected, don't feel cared for, you've got to say you're sorry they feel alone and uncared for, cause supposedly you have what they don't, but you know, it's the worst. Like what Yishun says when people make fun of us together, that's when it hurts most, because it's not true and he's reminded and he has to act like everything's okay. I understood, I always understood what he meant. But now, it's just, a double slap in my face. What if, you know, just what if, I don't feel protected or loved or cared for. Then maybe you could call me ungrateful, or maybe you could think about how it feels like for people to think you've got so much, when you feel like you don't, and have them get upset with you over it.

And you said my present was insincere, I almost cried right there and then. Because you know, I put a lot of effort, money and thought into that present. It's christmas, and I'm still crying. Why.

And then there's you. You think you don't cross my mind. You just don't know, don't know what it's like to have to do things to get you off my mind. That if I have to post about you, it'll never end. I'm just tired, okay? Have you ever posted anything for me? Even when we were together, did you? No. And right now, I'm just scarred, and tired.

I'm honestly touched right now.

My daddy got my mummy a present. He wrapped it up and put it into a big cardboard box, those that looks like can be thrown away kind. He put a lot of shredded paper into the box and taped it up. He put in this card also, that says, economy is bad, so I got you a box of shredded paper this year for christmas. But if you dig deeper my mummy can find the present. It's sweet, really. (: 

And Nat was so hysterical when she opened her presents, her smile, made me smile.

Merry Christmas eve, (:

I never knew I made you feel that way, you know? I'm sorry babe. I wish I could help you gain some self confidence, and see just how many love you. Well, I'll try to help you see with time. At least now I understand why we're always so on and off, at least now I know what I can work on. Thanks for letting me know, you have no idea how thankful I am.

“Everybody just keeps on moving on in this crazy, messed up world. That’s all you can do anyways. You keep smiling, you keep moving, you just keep on living. Cause who knows, you might just be the only thing keeping somebody else from stopping. You might be someone’s everything and not even know it. If you stop moving, what’s to keep them from stopping too?”

Sometimes... Okay, most times, I feel that way too. And I really think the picture's so sweet. (: I hate my dreams, I really hate my dreams. Reminds me of people I don't want to be reminded of, shows me things I know I really want but choose not to think of, damn it, sometimes I wish dreams don't exist so I can happily live how I want to, without some people and memories in it. But then again, maybe that's why dreams exists, to remind us we cannot always live in denial, maybe.

I don't know what I felt last night, maybe sometimes it's just nice... you know, for once, to have you care for me, instead. The things I do for you cause I imagine myself in your shoes, I don't think you'll ever know. But, you know, sometimes it's nice to just have you think of me too. It's been so long, of you hurting me and me hurting you, so long of you not listening to a thing I say, so long. I'm not saying I did move on, but it hurts when you expect me to still stay here. It's like this expectation. You shouldn't have chased me away in the first place then, don't you think so? You can break a heart, and still expect it to be yours. Of course, the key word here is expect. It still is, I just... it just hurts when it's expected, like something you deserve, cause you don't, not after how you treated me.

Not feeling good today, dreams are seriously stupid.

I don’t have a fear of commitment; I have a fear of abandonment. We all screw things up. I screw things up, especially with the people I love. I get needy, I get moody, I get distant, I want to be too close. I get confused, I don’t understand all of it. But I keep pushing because I have hope in this thing - the universe. There’s no way I’m the only person out there who wants it this bad. If I want it, someone else out there must too.

I miss you, shit, I seriously still miss you. I can't move on, this time, I really can't. I hate you, I don't wanna think of you, don't wanna miss you. Hate hate hate hateeeee. I don't ever use this word, but seriously, I hate you. )': I hate that I'm still doing so much just to talk to you, I hate that I'm still stuck here when you just decided. And fuck, your life's fine, but mine's not. But you don't give a damn, do you? I hate you, I hope you have a good life. I'm still hoping you have a good life, what kinda fuck head am I?!

So maybe something good really does come out of everything, maybe that's a good thing. 

Watching grey's is making me kind of sad. Haha, it teaches you so much. In a good way of course. (: Love can be so... touching.  In so many ways. (: I'm not skeptical about love anymore, I think it exists. (: It's just not for me, but still, it exists.

Love. <3