Two things in life that should never be broken: hearts and promises.

Hi. I'm going to be okay today! (:

I really wish you can like come back now. It's weird not talking to you for so long, somewhat. I read this quote and it reminded me of you, haha. How you always accepted the decisions I made even if you disagreed with it and believed it would be the best decision for me. It's the belief, and the... support. Hmmm, yeh. I can see the disapprove in so many people's eyes, but I've never seen it in yours. Oh except when you saw that I cut myself, but haha, who can approve that, right? 

I'm kinda sleepy right now. I need to get to work, omg. Okay, no more wasting time baby!

Oh and you know, I know you're trying. I see your efforts and I appreciate it. I just need time to adapt to... well, learning that you may have changed, or that you can. It's like this, knowledge that I can lose you anytime which is quite scary. I'll always be here, and you know that, I hope. Regardless of whoever you become because you've always been there. (:

What do I do now?

I'm not going to cry over you. I'm not going to cry over you. I'm not going to cry over you. I should stop trying, my efforts don't work and then you turn around and say it's cause of my efforts you've got to say you're fine.

I won't, can't, will never ever, hell no, cry over you. NO.

I don't know what I'm doing, really. Sigh. You're right though, goodbyes are hard. Always have been. I don't know, I don't know what I'm doing. HAHAAHAHA, I think I'm an idiot. A fucking seriously big idiot. Why the hell did I........ Okay, forget it. Breathe.

I wish you were here to tell me wtf I'm doing.

Says exactly what I was feeling the other day. Sat there, listened on repeat. Reminds me so much of you, so very much. And when I told him I liked the song, he immediately knew it was cause it reminded me of you. Sometimes I wish you could see, how much you mean to me, and how everyone else knows.

I'm worried for you, but I don't have much of a right to do anything about it. Nothing I can do anyway. But still, I hope you never fall into bad company.

I like blogger. I can spam posts without giving a shit about flooding people's friends page. (:

“I’m a happy person. I swear I am. I sing in the shower & dance down the hallways. I laugh and giggle. I do all the things happy people do. I just love life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. It doesn’t mean that I don’t wish things had ended differently and it doesn’t mean that I don’t get upset over the fact that he doesn’t miss me at all. No, it doesn’t mean that at all.” 

Cheryl's sitting opposite me! She's doing chem, what am I doing?! Haha. I'm thankful for her, really, I am. Though we're not like say, very close. I know she's someone I can always count on. (:

I miss you. 

Today's going to be a good day, I don't care. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. Haha, that's kinda ironic isn't it. I'm going to stop being sad, it's enough. It's Christmas, for goodness sake! Yeh, enough. Needa remember who I was, who I always wanted to be. Haha. It's like a life motto, I think? 

I want to be remembered as the girl who smiles even when her heart is broken, and the one who could brighten up your day even when she couldn't brighten up her own. 

I think it's cool to be remembered that way. Maybe makes me seem like a pathetic sad girl, haha, but still. I want that, I'm going to work for that. Need to remind myself, that in this big big world, I'm a small person, literally even. But just one smile, it'll change a lot. Hahaha, maybe I'll go smile at random people again and make small babies cry cause I smile at them. Maybe. But at days, I know, it warms my heart when people give up their seats for the elderly, like makes me smile like some idiot, seriously, I think people think I'm crazy when they see me smile like that. But you see, it's these things that give me hope. This small bit of hope, that, well, maybe this world isn't that crazy and stupid yet. That maybe, not everyone's living for themselves, and somewhere out there, there are people who still love and give. 

Brighten up people's day. I'm not that good. But I know I can be there, and I know I can listen. Sometimes I get resentful that people just come to me when they're upset. But I've thought about it. What the heck, right? At least they come to me, at least I can do something about it, at least I can listen and well... listen, cause I'm not good with advices either. At least they don't have to sit in the corner of their room and cry their hearts out hugging a teddy bear, haha, I do sound a little pathetic now, don't I. But I guess, all that crying I went through made me stronger. I won't give up. I can give up right now, I think. Everything just sucks! But I won't. I've come so far, who's to tell me when it all ends, no one but myself. And this is not the end, it'll be a sucky ending. I'm going to look for a happy ending, one where I can sleep and smile, and wake up to another day and look forward to it. Watch me. 

I'm fine, I'm going to be okay.

You probably don't know, but you'll always be my evangeline. (:

Ps, Grandpa, I miss you, so very much. I can't wait till I see you again. Do you know, it's still you that gets me through those nights where I feel so alone. It's still you, that makes me cry sometimes when I look at your photo. It's still you, you're still my favorite grandpa. (haha, and no it's not cause I only have one) I love you, I don't wanna forget you, ever.

The image of how when my granddad died and how I held his hand when I got there and his flesh didn't spring back up and just... stayed in there in a depression. I remember how it made me cry so badly I had to look away. I never told anyone, I never want to, it made me cry so badly. I'm crying and I wish I could stop. I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't. )': 

 As I look back on all that’s happened — growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me — there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I’ll truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever…and what the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you’ll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for what the future may hold.

I'm so tired, my legs are killing me. ): 

Christmas service was good today, though I was so tired I wanted to just sleep. I couldn't help but keep tearing during alter call. It just made me so happy to see so many people walk down and like take that step of faith. I don't know why this year, I kept praying throughout service, I just really felt the need to. I don't know, maybe now, I realize how important it is to have You in my life, maybe forever and ever, You'll be the only ever constant one I can ever rely on. 

I find it hard to be around people now. Was watching Grey's last night, something the show said struck me a lot. Maybe I'm staying away from people cause I'm like this upset person, and if I'm around people it's like I'll affect them or something. Maybe. Maybe I'm just tired of pretending to smile. Okay, maybe I'm not even pretending to smile. Maybe I'm just sick of being around people that I can't be sad around. Whatever, I don't think when I read back I'm going to know what I'm writing about haha. 

I don't know why I felt nothing when I got your message. What did I expect myself to feel? I don't really know. But all I know is this, we're both too different now. And though you can say we can still talk, I don't really believe it anymore. I think you've hurt me so much, you don't even know, that... well, I just don't think we can anymore.

You said you were sorry for hurting me and you didn't mean to. I wanted to tell you that no one ever means to, and if someone ever means to... well, then that's really a jerk. But you still did. I really wanted to tell you that, but what's the point, right? You tell me you're still here, I wanted to tell you that it no longer mattered because I don't go to just anyone. I trusted you, you know? And now that you've changed..... Well, all I could say was "Idk". I'm pretty sure you get the message, I'm pretty sure you knew how I'd react, I'm sorry, I just couldn't bring myself to say anything with the slightest meaning that I'd still go to you.

On a happier note, I need to remember that someone borrowed Grey's for me just cause I stayed up late cause streaming online was so bad. Maybe people aren't that bad. Maybe there are things I can believe in. I need to remember the good things too. And besides, Ryl has stayed constant throughout all the years I've known her, it's a good thing.

Goodnight, there's so much to do tonight.

I haven't been online in 3 days, that's cool. Maybe I'm really withdrawing, haha. Bitter, much.

I think last night, I was sure I was happy. It was so cute when she just knew we were all cheating her, that she just knew that we were all surprising her. It was cute when she smiled so happily. (: I don't really know my grandma well, never really got to spend much time with her and all. But still, I think she's had a tough life, and sometimes she can be difficult, but who can blame her, right? I think it's good when we all come together for something, as a whole big family. We practically grow up together. But we're not really close. I have nice cousins, but... hahaha, I have a social problem. But it's good (: Really, it's nice like last night when we went for karaoke together. It's quite funny actually. From 6 years to about 60? The songs were damn weird, generation gap. But I don't know, it made me happy to see the older ones enjoy themselves too. Maybe these are life's simple pleasures that still make me smile.

Maybe I've become skeptical about a lot of things, but I know I'll never doubt the power of family.

If you're going to change, I think I'm going to start to pull away. I just can't deal with losing another person. Especially when you know how much I've been through and yet you still put me through this.. Or maybe you just don't have much of a choice either. But I just can't take it, I can't stand at the sidelines and see you change. I've had enough of that. Enough of having my heart broken from standing and just watching someone I love change. I've had enough. So, maybe this friendship was only meant to last this long. I don't want to try anymore, why can't someone else try for a change?

I don't feel like blogging for people to read anymore. I know no one else comes here so it's good. These thoughts that seem to overwhelm my brain are like too intense and I just need somewhere I can talk to myself for a bit.

Things have been fine, things are going to get better.

You've been so sweet, but I don't want things to change. I want things to stay as they are now, and I hope you understand. D was right, perhaps we're not afraid of commitment. We're just afraid of being left, afraid that we won't be who you thought we are and leave. Perhaps.... for me, I just don't think love actually exists anymore. Maybe that's why I can't feel it. I don't want a relationship, I just want a friendship I can count on.

I don't want people to change anymore. I don't want people to leave me behind anymore. I don't want to lose people I love to people they become. You're like my best friend, almost, I don't wanna lose you, you know?

No.... You don't know. I feel like crying. I'm not going to cry.

I've lost so many, what's another, right? But you're special. And you're changing the one thing that I really liked in you. I don't know. ): But I've got to be supportive and understanding. And I'm just, tired. I want someone to be constant, can't someone just be constant?

Was that happiness today? Was it, really? I don't know. All I know is that I haven't felt this way in a long time. So... It's a good thing, I suppose?

"Everything ends somewhere. The only thing certain is that things will always end in one way or another. That destination's very clear. But it also isn't what matters. It's the journey you share that makes it meaningful. Loving and losing is better than nothing at all."

I liked talking to you today, I don't know why it's comfortable. Okay, maybe a little awkward at first, but with time, it's more comfortable, more things to talk about. Felt like how I could always just talk about anything to her. Maybe not to that extent, but still. And something you said caught me off guard today. That my thoughts are always about why and who, and never about what. Well, I guess I do know what I want in life, I do know what I want to do and what I have to do. Thanks, for helping me understand more about myself today.

I finished reading happiness sold seperately today. It helped me a lot. Through the course of this whole period. It's helped me realize that you don't have to hold onto something just cause you love, but you can still love and let go. Let go so that both parties can be happier. It doesn't mean both parties don't love. But there's no point hanging on for the sake of love, if it makes both unhappy. I'll always be able to look back now and say you were the best friend I could ever have, and now nothing can destroy it. I know I never said this, I'm happy things turned out this way. It's taught me a lot, way more than I think I could have ever learnt anywhere else. I still love you, although you don't think so. And I really am praying and hoping you don't lose yourself and get into the wrong company, but it's time to let you go. To let you go and make your mistakes, to grow and learn from them. And hopefully, you still remain as beautiful as you were before. If you fall too deep, I hope somewhere inside you know I'll always be willing to pull you out, you just need to call for me.

Reading my letters to you, I realized how much I've changed. How I'll never ever say all those things again. I realized how much I've changed, how much more cold on the outside I've become. How I'll never let people see through me and see how I actually really feel. I've changed, but in this aspect, I don't think it's for the better.

Let's give it a shot and hope I don't fall.

This year's coming to an end, and I'm looking forward to it. This year's been better than last, and I hope next year will be better. (:

Recently, there's been a lot on my mind. But I'm thankful for my friends, they really are starting to grow on me, and really, I won't exchange them for anything else in the world. I have few friends, I know, but these friends, are the best. And if you'd ask me to change them for more friends, no I won't. They're all I can ever ask for.

I'm tired right now. I'm quite.... sad, for some reason of which I'm not totally sure of. I can't wait till uni. You were right, maybe it's best, if we don't see each other at all. Out of sight, out of mind. You meant it, I guess that helped me realize. Maybe, really, it's best. It's things you say, that help me realize so much.

Hmmm, I'm hungry. Again, haha.