As I look back on all that’s happened — growing up, growing together, changing you, changing me — there were times when we dreamed together, when we laughed and cried together. As I look back on those days, I realize how much I’ll truly miss you and how much I truly love you. The past may be gone forever…and what the future holds, our todays make the memories of tomorrow. So, my lifetime friend, it is with all my heart that I send you my love, hoping that you’ll always carry my smile with you, for all we have meant to each other and for what the future may hold.

I'm so tired, my legs are killing me. ): 

Christmas service was good today, though I was so tired I wanted to just sleep. I couldn't help but keep tearing during alter call. It just made me so happy to see so many people walk down and like take that step of faith. I don't know why this year, I kept praying throughout service, I just really felt the need to. I don't know, maybe now, I realize how important it is to have You in my life, maybe forever and ever, You'll be the only ever constant one I can ever rely on. 

I find it hard to be around people now. Was watching Grey's last night, something the show said struck me a lot. Maybe I'm staying away from people cause I'm like this upset person, and if I'm around people it's like I'll affect them or something. Maybe. Maybe I'm just tired of pretending to smile. Okay, maybe I'm not even pretending to smile. Maybe I'm just sick of being around people that I can't be sad around. Whatever, I don't think when I read back I'm going to know what I'm writing about haha. 

I don't know why I felt nothing when I got your message. What did I expect myself to feel? I don't really know. But all I know is this, we're both too different now. And though you can say we can still talk, I don't really believe it anymore. I think you've hurt me so much, you don't even know, that... well, I just don't think we can anymore.

You said you were sorry for hurting me and you didn't mean to. I wanted to tell you that no one ever means to, and if someone ever means to... well, then that's really a jerk. But you still did. I really wanted to tell you that, but what's the point, right? You tell me you're still here, I wanted to tell you that it no longer mattered because I don't go to just anyone. I trusted you, you know? And now that you've changed..... Well, all I could say was "Idk". I'm pretty sure you get the message, I'm pretty sure you knew how I'd react, I'm sorry, I just couldn't bring myself to say anything with the slightest meaning that I'd still go to you.

On a happier note, I need to remember that someone borrowed Grey's for me just cause I stayed up late cause streaming online was so bad. Maybe people aren't that bad. Maybe there are things I can believe in. I need to remember the good things too. And besides, Ryl has stayed constant throughout all the years I've known her, it's a good thing.

Goodnight, there's so much to do tonight.

I haven't been online in 3 days, that's cool. Maybe I'm really withdrawing, haha. Bitter, much.