I surrender all to You,
I surrender all to You.
I am nothing without You,
Jesus Christ, take my life, it's all for You.

I broke down again today. Like the day when you came for cell at Cy's house. Just kneeled there, and cried and cried and cried. I was asking God why. I wanted to know why all these was happening. I was asking God, if You loved me, You wouldn't do this to me, if You loved me, You wouldn't take anyone away from me. I felt like He didn't love me anymore, like He was so far away. I tried to still sing, I tried to still worship, I tried, but it just felt so... distant. I don't understand, I don't understand why I'm going through all these. I don't understand how He can let me go through all these if He loves me. And then Jayna shared about good friday. It made my heart cringe. He died, for me. He went through all that, for me. And as unworthy and undeserving as I am, He gave it all, for me. I still don't understand why I'm going through all these, and it doesn't make it any less painful than it is, I wish I didn't have to wipe away my tears and just continue there crying, but I don't doubt His love for me anymore. That, if He loves me that much, I know He won't forsake me, I know He won't put me through something for no reason at all.

I trust in You. I surrender.

Whatever happens, I know I've tried. And if God chooses to close the door, I'll obey. If He opens the door, I'll be thankful. I still hope that He opens it, of course. And I'm sure I'll be disappointed. But. This is when I know, that the dissappointment will pass, the hurt and betrayal will fade, and I know, that He's in control.

I never felt so loved in my whole life. I always asked God, do You love me. If You love me, show me. And today He did. Though it isn't a whole "happy" feeling I'm feeling inside right now. There's a sweet feeling. Not happiness, but loved. Where I know, I really know, that I'm loved. And it's not just head knowledge anymore, I felt it. I really felt it.

Jesus wept in despair, asking God to take away His cup from Him if possible, but if it was God's will, He would do it.

That impacted me a lot, spoke to me a lot. God, if You will, please open this door. But if it's your will to close it, I'll still love You, and I'll still obey you.

I surrender, all.

And now my sec1 hc boy's trying to make me smile. It's day like these where I find everything I do for them so precious, that, it pushes me, and encourages me, so much.