I don't know what else to do. Somehow, I'm starting to believe that if I smile enough, laugh enough, the pain would go away. Like somehow, magically vanish. I think there's too much on my back now for me to face it. I don't wanna face it, maybe this is what being in denial means. I care, of course I do, but I've got no strength left in me to fight for something which isn't even in my control. I've got no strength to fight battles that aren't mine to fight. As much as I want things to be okay, I know it's not in my control. And I think, that's the most upsetting thing, to have things out of your control, to never have a say in anything at all.

I just don't know what else to do. How to face things. How to solve them one by one. I'm just too tired. I've got my own battles, am I supposed to fight battles that aren't mine too? I've had enough of crying, now, is that wrong too? That despite all of this, I really just wanna be happy. I don't wanna be tied down, I don't wanna care. I really don't wanna care anymore.

If only you could stop caring just cause you want to stop, no? If only you could just stop trying because your head knows it's pointless. If only our heart works like that too. If you don't come home tonight, I really give up on this whole thing.

I swear I'm not going to cry. I don't wanna cry over things that don't even have anything to do with me anymore. I don't care if this family falls apart, I don't care if I've gotta live with this for the rest of my life. Maybe if I tell myself this long enough, I'll start believing that I really don't care.

If everyone's going to leave in the end, then what's the point of letting anyone in?

I'll probably wait up till you come home tonight. I don't think I wanna wake up realizing you didn't come home. I'd rather go to sleep with the knowledge that you're not home and not being disappointed the next morning. I'd rather know what to expect the next morning rather than getting affected tomorrow instead. I love you daddy, I do. But sometimes, love can't compensate for betrayal, you betrayed my belief in you.