I guess what hurt the most was that you thought I didn't tell you anything, when the fact was, I told you the most. And it hurts the most, because it was then that I realized, so many things that seemed so big to me, was nothing to you.

You never realized, how much I trusted you and you took it for nothing.

I am overwhelmed. 

I am out of control.

I am scared.

God, help?

I just bathed, and sang "draw me nearer to You" and I started crying. 

Draw me nearer to You,

Nearer to You.

Fill my life with Your presence, 

The way You want to.

Till my soul is ablazed,

Each and every day.

Draw me nearer,

Nearer to You.

__

So tired, I feel so tired and so stressed. So inadequate and tried. I have never studied for 10 hours straight. Today, I did. I want very badly to do well. But I know I can't do this alone.

As I fall on my knees and pray, would You please hear my cry.

Sometimes I really wna ask you,

Was it just nothing at all to you?

But then..... I guess as long as I know it meant and still means something to me, that's all that matters :)

Sigh, tension in this house is so high too. Seeing mummy so vexed is kind of upsetting yet being unable to do anything about it. Sometimes I wish I could just say what I have in my mind, that everyone would be nicer to each other in this house. Snapping at the stupidest things. Never holding back anger, it's stupid, really. You know, sometimes, I wna come home because sometimes it seems like a refuge, but more and more recently, it's the total opposite. The fights, the rolling of eyes, the outright quarrels, it feels like time going backwards.

Hey mummy, I love you. Don't cry.

Hehehehe finally below 41 ^^

Today is better, it'll continue to be better. Life goes on. :)

Hurts,
It just really hurts.

Would you know all the things I've did for you?
No.

Idk what this feeling is.
A little smile cos I know you're happy.
A little ache, for reasons I don't know why.

You think I don't share your joy, but, I'm really happy that you're happy. You have no idea.

That aside,
I should start eating for the sake of my exams. I am going to eat breakfast tmr. If not, I am gna hate myself for being this stupid.

Why.is.my.weight.stuck.at.41. :(

there's a shadow in the sun.

I feel like I'm losing my faith. Why, why? I try to trust, but for now, I really don't see the picture. I seek, but where are You. If You're trying to teach me a lesson right now, at least tell me what it is.

I just need You, where did You go?

In every season of my life, You are still God. And I know, I'm filled to be emptied again, the seed I've received I will sow.

Teach me, to have unconditional love.

K, go go go go, this, too, shall pass. I shall try to go make someone happy haha. I think when you look beyond yourself, like what Mr Quek said, you'll find your own needs slowly fade away. Yes. Shall go post letters. Or..... something.

I keep wanting to learn to give and not count the cost. But it's so difficult. But, this time, I'm not giving up.

For I know, this is what I'm made to do.

Live by what you say charis, you haven't lost your smile, you just forgot it was right under your nose, smile cause you're loved.

This's one of the days where I feel so heavy. Waking up with the urge of crying and just breaking down.

Maybe I've been trying to deny it for a long time,

But......

I'm tired.

You see, the thing is, I can't bring myself to talk about it. I need to, and I want to, but I just can't bring myself to. There are times when I see you and I start tearing up. There are times when others talk about you and I just ask them to shut up. There are those rare times we exchange a line or two and it makes me feel so much better. Those times when you text me and when I see your name on new message I'll feel like things never changed. Then I get pissed cause you just suddenly decided to change and then I'd just give you one word replies and then eventually after a message or two, the conversation dies off. I want to talk to you but every time you text I just get angry. I'm angry with you, I'm angry with myself. And it just sucked when you said nothing changed cause I felt like I was the only one who was stupid enough to think you were a close friend. You could have told me ya things changed but you don't wanna tell me why. Even then, I think I wouldn't have been this hurt. You just simply erased the fact that we were good friends. That... like as if, we were always like this, like strangers all the while.

How did things come to this? I miss my friend.

How long am I going to take to let go of this friendship. Why do I suck so badly at letting go. Why do I always have to remember every single detail. Why can't I remember chem half as well as I do all these minute details, I think I'll pass already. Why do I always have problems letting go. Why.

Damn it.

I feel sick. My stomach hurts, my head keeps spinning. I hate how weak my body is. I wanna be stronger. Need to resist the urge to keep taking medicine and let my body fight it by itself. Almost lost my cool twice today, need more patience. I keep wanting to self isolate, lol. But then I remember I can't do that cause it'll just fuel all the crap feelings.

Wah lao, what is this. Ranting session ah charis leong -.- I hate people calling me lianne. Yuck.

OK SNAP OUT OF IT. ^^ jia you.

I hate how conscious I am of my damn weight.
I hate the means I try to get myself lighter.
I hate how I can't stop eating.
I hate how heavy I am.

This....... sucks.

Needa stop eating, gotta stop eating. STOP.

Omg I lost my excess weight in 2 days to normal. Thank goodness. 43.7 is seriously freaking scary. Like heaviest since sec 1. I was damn freaked out la. I could never ever do diets but I successfully did for the last 2 days ahahaha, that's how freaky it is.

Omg, I can finally eat in peace -.-
SUPPER SOON hahahahhahahaha.

Omg Charis please stop eating........... :(