Tried to find the words, but they don't come out right.

Today's a sucky day. I could just curl up and lie on my bed the whole day. I feel like running away from all of these, but I can't. I can't even be myself around those I love anymore because I need to be strong, I can't cry and I don't wanna cry, or maybe I do. I don't know what I want. I started tearing again when they showed us topics for block test 2. I just finished my blocks 1, and you wanna tell me that everything from J1 to now will be tested for physics? I just started to tear up. Sigh.

I dreamt you left me too, and that was sucha nightmare. I just stood there and just stared as they took you away and then they killed me. Or something like that. And, I was scared.

Sigh. I wish I were stronger, you know? I wish I had the strength to really face up to all of these instead of wanting to run away, instead of just wanting to curl up and cry. Instead of just wanting to sink into someone's arms, for them to hold me up cause sometimes, it really feels like I'm too tired to hold myself up anymore.

I whacked myself so hard last night, my blood vessels kinda burst. I wish they didn't. It's so ugly now.

I wanna be happy. Everyone thinks I'm happy. And, deep inside, if I search deep down inside, I think I wish they knew I wasn't so I wouldn't have to keep this facade up.

The tears always well up in my eyes and they don't fall. I feel. Choked. I just wanna run away from this whole big mess. I see how everything's working out for everyone else and I can't help but ask, why isn't it working out for me too. If everyone else's life is starting to work out, why can't mine. Why'm I still floating, why'm I still hurting. Why can't I let go. Why am I so bad at letting people go, why am I so bad at letting people go. Why.

I just don't wanna be so dispensable in everyone's lives. Is that too much to ask for?