Last post here. Gonna change my life around. :) I am gna live a more Christ centered life from now on.

Let's strike a deal God, cause it's hurting too much inside. If, if I love everyone unconditionally, at least, if I try, would you stop taking them away from me? If I cared wholeheartedly and was there for them all the time, would you keep them for me?

If I tried harder, if I gave more, all that I had, can I just keep the few people that I love? If God, you keep them away from all the hurts and the pain and... everything and put them on me, would you please. If you could do that, please, do it.

I cried myself to sleep last night, again. I just want people to stop leaving. But yet, I'm so scared that if anyone sees the extent of my pain cause they leave, they'd leave anyhow, and I think that'd hurt the most.

I tried being brave yesterday, I tried. But it just all came crashing down nevertheless. I'm tired, I just don't want people to keep leaving. I always thought it wasn't something too much to ask for, I'm starting to realize, maybe it's the most difficult thing to ever ask for.

So sad, I am so sad. Not hurt not disappointed not bitter. Just sad, which isn't something I feel much. But now, I'm just sad.

My dog kept biting me and I couldn't do anything and not I've got bite marks every where and scratches I can see my skin and here I am just crying cause. It hurts.

I'm so tired.

Shut up, stop victimizing yourself. Others probably have it harder than you. Suck it up.

Please stop crying charis :'(

I don't know why I'm so affected by you....... and you and you.

Sheesh, what's wrong with me??????????????????????? Ugh.

Shut up, do your work.

I miss you :'(

I went to changi there today, where we went together, where I bluffed my mummy and said I was going for some musical (?) or something Haha. And I started guessing plane names by myself. My eyesight's deproved though. Still, it made me smile.



:)

Time to move on, you're no longer the person I knew.

Not going to run anymore, just one shot. Not going to run from one for another whom I no longer know. Not going to run, cause there's going to be a point where I stop running and stop being afraid of being left. Too many times I've run because of you, be it memories or because I still feel for you. The fear or the love, right now, I can't point out which it is. But it's gotta stop, now, it's gotta stop.

Not dependent anymore. Not on you. You've never been there.

Since when have you been someone to cry over results? Since when have you been on to be defeated? Enough crying now, it's okay if everything deproved, it's okay because this is not A's. Come on Charis, be brave, be braver than you've been, and press on, press on and don't give up.

I am sad, but I shouldn't let it overwhelm me. Pardon the self talk, I think I've been crying the whole day it should stop somewhere.

If I could, I'd tell you not to change.
I'd tell you that you were perfect the way you are and you don't need to change.
Most importantly, I don't want you to change.

But then I ask myself, what right do I have to even think those thoughts.
None. And I slowly let them go.

Today was quite a horrible day. First was crying like a retard who was unable to stop. Laughing and crying at the same time, couldn't breathe couldn't stop. Like a retard. Then I had to snap at you, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. We were both just in a bad mood, I wish I didn't. And sigh.

My eyes still hurt omg! This is crazy. I shouldn't have cried. Why did I?

Sigh. Are we back to square one?

Oh look. I failed GP too. :'(

I'm breaking. As much I don't want to, I know I am. And it's getting so difficult, to keep up this whole never give up thing. I printed a photo of you today grandpa, I'm sorry for all that I've become, how terribly lousy in everything. I miss you.

"Giving up" isn't in my dictionary. Remember that Charis? Please press on.

Run the race and keep the faith.

Maybe tonight I'd let myself cry. But for now, I don't really want to. No point crying over spilt milk. Just gotta work harder, try harder. And never, never, never give up.

I cried like a baby in the airport on Saturday during dinner in front of my parents. I think it's been such a long time that they've seen me cry they got pretty shocked and nice after that. But they got it wrong, I'm not upset about all that they thought I was upset over, I'm upset because I feel like I'm in A levels alone and it's not fair because they're in it with my brothers for his PSLE and O's.

Do you see it mum and dad?

I try to talk to you about it, bring it up and hope that somehow you'll get what I'm feeling inside. But why don't you? Why do you think it's that I feel everything that I don't. I just want to know you're in it with me, it's not fair.

But I guess, life never is fair.